[In which Katie Halper wonders exactly what Bette thinks she’s doing.]

Dear Bette,

I really hope you have e-mail access on your kidnapping spree and that this letter reaches you. I am sooooo sorry that I didn’t write you. I was really busy, but that’s no excuse. I know the absence of my weekly council was devastating for you. I can’t help from feeling that had I contacted you last week, this whole mess would have been avoided. Tina sucks and she and ugly Vince Vaughn should not have sole custody of Angelica. And don’t get be started on Vince’s possessed “focus on the family” son Mikey. He scares me as much as he scares you. But kidnapping won’t look good in court, it never does. Now our plan to get the sex-starved social worker on our—I mean your side is hopeless.

As usually, you distinguished yourself as the most caring of your social circle. You were the only one who asked Alice how she was. And you were so great when you told Carmen “You should just do whatever’s good for you” when she was deciding to go “bridal femme” or “butch it up.” I really love your whole no labels attitude. (But don’t waste your time talking about the labels issue with Jenny because she’s a total idiot who speaks in platitudes and French!) And of course you are so upstanding and ethical. I know it would never occur to you to seduce your students. Besides, you have a carpenter fetish, not a school girl fetish.

I think your “fuck” scream from the ski lift was really healthy and cathartic. It’s obvious you learned a lot from that old lady screamer you met after the retreat. It was beautiful to see you draw from your experiences. How funny, though you sought silence, you found your voice. But I guess life is like that sometimes B. It really is a box of chocolates.

I can’t believe Shane bailed on Carmen. I really think the fumes from her frost tips are getting to her. Gracias a dios, Carmen has her strong Mexican family to turn to in a time of need. It was so charitable of Helena to buy them traditional Aztec matching red ski outfits for the wedding.

By the way, how are you feeling about Kit’s pregnancy? Are you worried that if she has the baby, people will assume Angus is the adoptive father?

I have a feeling we won’t be seeing each other for a while, and that makes me really sad. But whenever you’re in NYC, you can totally stay with me. I thought maybe we could hang out and watch some premium cable TV together. I really want to watch this special called Liza with a Z. Of course I’ve already seen it (duh!) but it’s been re-mastered and looks great. It’s really the type of extravaganza you’ll be talking about the next day at the water cooler.

Write back!!! Miss you so much it’s not even funny! Give Angie a kiss from Aunt Katie
xo,
Katie

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